If I lose myself

I stared up at the sun, thought of all the people, places and things I have loved. I stared up just to see of all the faces, you were the one next to me.

I feel a little high school about this, as if high school is a coherent feeling capable of being summed up in such a way, but I wanted to pay dues to the nostalgia I’ve been feeling throughout today and start off this blog post with song lyrics.

As I have said before, I absolutely hate using this blog solely for the purpose of blurting out pent up feelings of angst and frustration (cause that’s seriously so high school) and I would have liked to think that grown-up me would resolve her emotional issues in a more mature way.  There is, however, a guilty feeling of pleasure that only this blog can give me.  Laying out words onto my keyboard, unloading all this confusion and madness onto these forgiving keys, being able to write down and write down and write down and write down.  In the end, some things just never change — I will always, always have this as my refuge of insanity, for all the times I have told myself over and over again that “I’m ok” and “It’s gonna work out in the end” and whatever fleeting thought of denial passes my mind, here is where I can admit that sometimes I just have no fucking clue what is happening in my life right now.  And that’s ok.  Well, I’d like to think that ambiguity is ok.

And I think right now, I want to validate heartbreak.

Heartbreak sucks. Duh, what else is new?  Angsty break up songs outnumber romantic love songs and big booty bitches kind of songs.  When I broke up with you, I knew that I would experience heartbreak, only, I guess I never really experienced this kind of heartbreak before.  It’s not the pining after my lover kind of  heartbreak, not the waking up to regret the things I have said kind of heartbreak, not the I can never properly function as a human being again kind of heartbreak.  It’s the I love you but we’re just two completely different people in two completely different spaces occupying two completely different social lives that it’s kind of not realizable to be in a relationship with each other kind of heartbreak.

No matter how many different times I tell this story in however many ways, I can never really understand it thoroughly and completely.  Maybe this is part of the whole breaking up process, but I get so lost and confused with where I’m supposed to fit inside this story.  People said it wasn’t going to be easy, but does it have to be so fucking hard?

I think this is the part where I give up on trying to figure out my feelings and give up on my convictions that this is something somehow inevitable.  This is fucking hard, and for the moment I’m going to drown myself on a mix of love songs, break up songs, and Fresh Prince.

AH.

I still love you.  I still care about it.  I still kind of want to be with you but also kind of realize that that feeling is futile.  I still kind of think to myself how crazy this all sounds when I see it typed out in words.  I thought that blogs are supposed to help me form linear thoughts, but I suppose even the freedom of the blogsphere won’t help me resolve my epistemological and existential crisis.

All the same, what does everything here have anything to do with my life? Why do I still care?  What is this fucked up craziness??